Finances are a complicated issue for many people, and never more so than for couples about to get married. Anyone in a long-term relationship will tell you how difficult it is to share an equitable understanding of all financial matters.
There are many factors to consider about a couple’s financial management, like where they live, whether they will favor joint or independent finances, and how each contributes to income and assets.
Related Reading: Best Money Management Tips For Young Couples
This couple’s conflict centers on a not-uncommon question: Who’s name goes on the house deeds?
Original poster (OP), a woman (26F), and her fiancé (28M) recently got engaged and plan to get married in a few months. They have been living together for the past year. When discussing their future financial plan, the woman asked when she would be added to the house deed.
A discussion ensued, leading to an argument with her fiancé, who explained why he would not add her name to this property’s deed. He told her that at age 23, his uncle died, leaving him a huge inheritance and setting him up for life, especially because he is not a big spender. He had trouble dating women because he feared being used by them.
He told OP that he didn’t feel comfortable adding her name to the deed as the house had been fully paid off by him before they met, and he was responsible for all the payments. He sees this first house he ever bought as his and something he wants “to keep for himself.” Her fiancé said it would be theirs if they change houses in the future or bought as a married couple.
OP acknowledges that he has financially supported her, except for the luxury items she buys for herself. Her fiancé provides her with a monthly allowance after she stopped working as a teacher, which she didn’t enjoy. Instead, he encourages her to find hobbies and passions, and both agree about not having children. However, she is upset that he may have thought she was using him, and the house they will live in is “not ours.”
This conflict raised several issues on the online forum, with OP receiving mixed opinions. One person was surprised that “there would be any upvotes for her.”
Agree With OP
Those who agreed with OP were concerned about her financial independence. One pointed out that she quit her job based on his suggestion. She added, “So now she is entering into a marriage with no income or control over the assets. It creates a situation that is rife with opportunities for financial abuse, and she is right to want to have some guarantee of financial security.
One Redditor gave this advice to OP based on her life experience: “I would feel very uncomfortable being fully reliant on someone else. I’d still want my own money and to contribute. I wouldn’t argue if he wanted to pay for a nice vacation or something like that, but not 100% of everything.”Several added to concerns for OP’s financial insecurity down the road if he leaves her, and she doesn’t have her own savings, healthcare, and retirement money. Many recommended she get another job or find a hobby in which she could make money so that it would allow her to have financial independence.
It’s something they need to work out and come to an agreement that protects both of them.
Disagree With OP
A Redditor said she was getting a free ride from her fiancé and “being exactly what he’s afraid of. This is his house that he paid for that you had no hand in at all. Now you want it, and it’s suspicious, and you already have way more than normal relationships would ever give you.”
Those who sided with her fiancé point out that OP’s request to be on the house deed they live in is his premarital asset bought and paid for well before they met. One said clearly, “You also have zero claims on any of his inheritance, even after marriage. The only assets you will have a “right” to are co-paying for after you’re married, which is exactly what he agreed to do.”
One, somewhat empathic to OP, ultimately sided with her fiancé saying. “Yes, it’s worrying that she’s potentially entering a marriage where she owns nothing, but that’s her own choice if she does so. He’s laid out what he’s willing to give her and what he isn’t. It’s up to her to consider the risks and make a sensible decision. Her financial security is ultimately her responsibility, not her partner’s, and if she chooses to continue the relationship with this setup, she’s choosing to be 100% reliant on him. I would personally never choose that precisely because it can lead to highly abusive situations from which escape is difficult or impossible.”
One Redditor was perplexed about why she is angry about not being on this deed. She was told that he is willing to fully support you, adding, “AND he’s telling you that he’ll put your name on your next property even though you’ll contribute nothing to that, either. Please. You need to back way off.”
Several who disagreed with the OP agreed that there are potential red flags. One person pointed out she ultimately decided to leave her job, and it’s still her responsibility to provide for herself. She continued, “OP still has autonomy and responsibilities toward herself. She cannot expect others to set her up in life regardless of their wealth or assets.”
Several added that her fiancé openly supports her pursuing a job or hobby, not just talking on her phone all day. He didn’t force her to leave her job, nor did he suggest he’s would prevent her from seeking other employment or retraining.
He Should Have a Prenup
Some people provided this advice for the OP:
- “She gets an allowance. She should be saving and investing that money for the future.”
- “She should get a job and acquire her own investments.”
- “It’s something they need to work out and come to an agreement that protects both of them.”
- One said, “He’s setting himself up for a judge to award OP alimony and half the house, regardless of whether she’s currently on the deed or not.”
- “It sounds like a prenuptial agreement is overdue to be worked out.” Another added, “He needs one to protect his assets. You need one because you quit your job based on him promising to take care of you and give you an allowance after encouraging you to quit your job. You both need to protect yourselves.”
What do you think? Here is the Reddit thread. This article is inspired by the internet and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of The Cents of Money.
This article appeared first on The Cents of Money.
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